Men fail.

Somehow I get the feeling men are a waste of space. Or at least most of them.
They're called the "stronger gender" here in Germany and I honestly doubt that.
Men are so weak ...
I recently watched the movie "Control", it's about the vocal of Joy Devision.
A short summary:
The singer marries very early, the girl is young and innocent and loves him deeply, though he treats her bad. Even though he doesn't love her anymore, he wants a baby with her. She gets the baby.
Then while a tour he starts an affair with a woman. When his wife finds out he denies it and confirms he would love only her. She belives him and asks him to end the affair. He says yes, but (ofcos) does not. When his wife wants the divorce he begs her to stay.
He makes two women despair and yet drowns in self-pitty.
He sees himself as the victim.

Isn't that absolutly hubristic? I was so angry while I watched the movie.
I watched it with a (male) friend and he said I should try and feel with the protagonist, but I was like "FUCK the protagonist, if he had made things clear all would have been fine! But no, he drowns in his so-great pain and makes two women who loved him despair."
And it seems this happens quite often in life. I myself expirienced something kinda that.
Ofcos I don't wanna say this is a men-only attitude, but it is quite common. Maybe it's simply because of their biology, who knows? But I don't count that as an excuse. It's none.
They are conscious and they've gotta choose as women have to choose.
They might have strength, but they've got great weaknesses, too. Thus we have to be strong. We, the "weaker gender".

The end

It's the end of sacrifice for it was needed.
I feel quite well right now, still swallowing it all, but I recognized a few important things.
All in all, I will stay strong as it is needed and someone needs to be strong.
I'd simply say, fuck you, bastard to anything.
I'm gonna get it right, yeah!

Nothing will break me.
Never.
Noone is worth despairing for.
Never.

I will expirience freedom again - after, how long? Longer than 2 years I think I had been in a relation (even if half a year "only" emotionally). Thus I could somehow even rejoice ...

I could walk and dance alone in the ruins of a dead world and I can be happy all on my own.
Indeed, a treasure I happily sacrificed - but not any longer.

I have changed - I will not look back, I'll move onward.

Control

I need to control myself.
I've been definetly too sad the last weeks.
The time has come to rejoice!
Spring is near and so shall my happiness grow.
"You're like an atom bomb", that might be right. I will try to control myself better, again.

All I have to think is, it is all about me.
I decide how far I want to go, what I want to sacrifice and if it is worth to do it.
Quite simple, isn't it?
And, what ever happens:
Life will continue and somehow I'm gonna get it right.
That's what I feel deep inside.
I shall always remember this.

Right now I feel good, I feel warmed by love.
No matter what will happen, how it will change, I won't despair. And if I do I shall try to create art out of it. This way no feeling would be wasted, everything will be productive and good.

Life is great! I'm so glad I am alive! <333

Music Project

I started a music project. Right now it's in its beginning, but I'm learning.

Check it out!

Since there is only 1 vocal track there will be more, soon!

Opera Deflower

Return of Happiness

A lot of things give me happiness again since I've been quite sad the last weeks.
Life is a continous struggle and up and down - and that's not bad.
This way I know both sides, happiness and pain and honestly I wouldn't want to change it.
I will go on and work on myself. Trying to control myself through art and understand what and why I fear.

Communication is great!! I love to learn through communication!~ <3

One of the things that give me happiness is that N. and me talk normal again.
That's very nice and I missed to talk to her!

Something important is that someone important came back. <3
I really enjoy chatting. It's always a pleasure and fills my heart with happiness and love.
I'm a very lucky person. I'm lucky that I am able to live on this world, because it is a great world.
Never forget that.

I shall go and look for something to eat now, I'm hungry.

Byebye~

No Poetry for thee

Dear Reder,

I'm sorry to tell you, that I decided to delete all poetry I posted here for several reasons. One might be that everyone could just read and steal my work or use it without any permission.
Therefore all you might receive here are fragments.
I would send my poetry to friends, so all will be okay.

Greetings,
Vivian