Aug’, mein Aug’, was sinkst du nieder?
Goldne Träume kommt ihr wieder?
Weg, du Traum! so Gold du bist;
Hier auch Lieb’ und Leben ist.
- Goethe
Again, it's been a while.
Spring has come and carried some memories along.
There is an esurience that still eats my heart and I don't know whether I want it to stop.
In April it'll be 1 year that has gone by ... It's a strange feeling to know that. 1 year.
I always knew my life was different to others and usually I appreciate it, but right now I don't know. 1 year and still there is this little malicious feeling inside me. I thought I had successfully killed it. Well. Some things shall never die.
But it is not the same, somehow it has lost it's purity. That's good.
As long as it is hurting I can use it. That's why I don't know whether I want it to stop.
On the one hand I do want it, because as every human being I want to be happy, on the other hand I want it to continue, because it seems somehow precious to me.
"And will we ever, end up together? No, I think not. It's never to become, 'cause I am not the one" As Sean sings in Sally's Song.
I know we will not and I know I do not even want it. So, why ...?
Maybe it is just the ideal picture I created myself, the wish for something ... and this ideal I have given this special face. I think that's the point.
When I see others and what they do, what they give themselves to I think: I won't do that.
Why should I be content with that if there might be something better? And then my ideal comes to my mind and I know I won't be happy if I give myself to anything lesser.
Not the perfect recipe to become happy I think, hahaha!
So humility is again the word, huh?
We'll see what time's got for me. But until that I rather stay as I am.
The sun makes me happy. Let me forget everything and become one with this world - even if it is just for a moment. <3
Montag, 28. März 2011
Montag, 10. Januar 2011
Winter
It's been a while.
It's already winter again and in 2 months it will become warmer. Strange thought when I remember how long the last winter seemed. Time is flowing so fast ...
The last weeks there had been a lot of snow here in Germany, but the last two days everything melted. When I went to school this morning the whole word was covered by a white veil. Wavering darkness and wavering light around the streetlamps. And when I walked home just a few minutes ago, the fog was still there and it seemed as if the world ended just beyond the next house. I was truly amazed. But the most beautiful thing I saw today was when I took a short walk when we had 2 free lessons.
I was walking with one from my German class and when we came to a special tree we saw that there were frozen spiderwebs like tiny chains of silver! I never saw frozen webs, did you? So delicate.
Ah, nature, good old friend.
What else do I have to tell?
I was in Weimar and Dresden over holidays and it was very beauftiful, too.
Recently I often thought about love ... but ... hm, how shall i describe it? I think I do not want to fall in love again.
There's a story I write with a very dear and beloved friend and I can empathize so much with our characters. It's a great feeling. And I can empathize with my own charcters (in my stories) again. That wasn't possible while I was in love. Strange thing, isn't it?
As if I had to decide between writing and loving. So, for others that might be an easy decision, but look: writing (and drawing) is and was always my way of expressing myself, my anger, my sadness and any other kind of feelings. My way of controling emotions. Not being able to do that as I used to all these years is a horrific feeling.
Furthermore, it is all i ever wanted. To write and draw. So right now my decision is writing.
It is not like I couldn't love at the same time - at least I can love friends, it connects me even more with my friends. But being in love is so different!
(Oh, and right now there is no-one I could really fall in love with. I do love in a platonic way, but not in that butterfly-heartbeat-out-of-control feeling, you know?)
Art shall be a constant in my life - as it always was.
The last few days I was absolutly "in love" with Placebo. I hope I could see them live once!
I might go to the WGT this year - I'm very excited!
to all Visual Kei Fans: Is Visual Kei Prostitution?
This is an interview from an ex visual kei record executive
http://www.hellodamage.com/top/2010/03/01/interview-with-an-ex-visual-kei-record-executive/
Very shocking yet important article for all that are so much into that indie bands.
Please read.
It's already winter again and in 2 months it will become warmer. Strange thought when I remember how long the last winter seemed. Time is flowing so fast ...
The last weeks there had been a lot of snow here in Germany, but the last two days everything melted. When I went to school this morning the whole word was covered by a white veil. Wavering darkness and wavering light around the streetlamps. And when I walked home just a few minutes ago, the fog was still there and it seemed as if the world ended just beyond the next house. I was truly amazed. But the most beautiful thing I saw today was when I took a short walk when we had 2 free lessons.
I was walking with one from my German class and when we came to a special tree we saw that there were frozen spiderwebs like tiny chains of silver! I never saw frozen webs, did you? So delicate.
Ah, nature, good old friend.
What else do I have to tell?
I was in Weimar and Dresden over holidays and it was very beauftiful, too.
Recently I often thought about love ... but ... hm, how shall i describe it? I think I do not want to fall in love again.
There's a story I write with a very dear and beloved friend and I can empathize so much with our characters. It's a great feeling. And I can empathize with my own charcters (in my stories) again. That wasn't possible while I was in love. Strange thing, isn't it?
As if I had to decide between writing and loving. So, for others that might be an easy decision, but look: writing (and drawing) is and was always my way of expressing myself, my anger, my sadness and any other kind of feelings. My way of controling emotions. Not being able to do that as I used to all these years is a horrific feeling.
Furthermore, it is all i ever wanted. To write and draw. So right now my decision is writing.
It is not like I couldn't love at the same time - at least I can love friends, it connects me even more with my friends. But being in love is so different!
(Oh, and right now there is no-one I could really fall in love with. I do love in a platonic way, but not in that butterfly-heartbeat-out-of-control feeling, you know?)
Art shall be a constant in my life - as it always was.
The last few days I was absolutly "in love" with Placebo. I hope I could see them live once!
I might go to the WGT this year - I'm very excited!
to all Visual Kei Fans: Is Visual Kei Prostitution?
This is an interview from an ex visual kei record executive
http://www.hellodamage.com/top/2010/03/01/interview-with-an-ex-visual-kei-record-executive/
Very shocking yet important article for all that are so much into that indie bands.
Please read.
Abonnieren
Posts (Atom)
