Auf dem See

Aug’, mein Aug’, was sinkst du nieder?
Goldne Träume kommt ihr wieder?
Weg, du Traum! so Gold du bist;
Hier auch Lieb’ und Leben ist.
- Goethe

Again, it's been a while.
Spring has come and carried some memories along.
There is an esurience that still eats my heart and I don't know whether I want it to stop.
In April it'll be 1 year that has gone by ... It's a strange feeling to know that. 1 year.
I always knew my life was different to others and usually I appreciate it, but right now I don't know. 1 year and still there is this little malicious feeling inside me. I thought I had successfully killed it. Well. Some things shall never die.
But it is not the same, somehow it has lost it's purity. That's good.
As long as it is hurting I can use it. That's why I don't know whether I want it to stop.
On the one hand I do want it, because as every human being I want to be happy, on the other hand I want it to continue, because it seems somehow precious to me.
"And will we ever, end up together? No, I think not. It's never to become, 'cause I am not the one" As Sean sings in Sally's Song.
I know we will not and I know I do not even want it. So, why ...?
Maybe it is just the ideal picture I created myself, the wish for something ... and this ideal I have given this special face. I think that's the point.
When I see others and what they do, what they give themselves to I think: I won't do that.
Why should I be content with that if there might be something better? And then my ideal comes to my mind and I know I won't be happy if I give myself to anything lesser.
Not the perfect recipe to become happy I think, hahaha!
So humility is again the word, huh?
We'll see what time's got for me. But until that I rather stay as I am.

The sun makes me happy. Let me forget everything and become one with this world - even if it is just for a moment. <3

Winter

It's been a while.
It's already winter again and in 2 months it will become warmer. Strange thought when I remember how long the last winter seemed. Time is flowing so fast ...
The last weeks there had been a lot of snow here in Germany, but the last two days everything melted. When I went to school this morning the whole word was covered by a white veil. Wavering darkness and wavering light around the streetlamps. And when I walked home just a few minutes ago, the fog was still there and it seemed as if the world ended just beyond the next house. I was truly amazed. But the most beautiful thing I saw today was when I took a short walk when we had 2 free lessons.
I was walking with one from my German class and when we came to a special tree we saw that there were frozen spiderwebs like tiny chains of silver! I never saw frozen webs, did you? So delicate.
Ah, nature, good old friend.
What else do I have to tell?
I was in Weimar and Dresden over holidays and it was very beauftiful, too.

Recently I often thought about love ... but ... hm, how shall i describe it? I think I do not want to fall in love again.
There's a story I write with a very dear and beloved friend and I can empathize so much with our characters. It's a great feeling. And I can empathize with my own charcters (in my stories) again. That wasn't possible while I was in love. Strange thing, isn't it?
As if I had to decide between writing and loving. So, for others that might be an easy decision, but look: writing (and drawing) is and was always my way of expressing myself, my anger, my sadness and any other kind of feelings. My way of controling emotions. Not being able to do that as I used to all these years is a horrific feeling.
Furthermore, it is all i ever wanted. To write and draw. So right now my decision is writing.
It is not like I couldn't love at the same time - at least I can love friends, it connects me even more with my friends. But being in love is so different!
(Oh, and right now there is no-one I could really fall in love with. I do love in a platonic way, but not in that butterfly-heartbeat-out-of-control feeling, you know?)
Art shall be a constant in my life - as it always was.

The last few days I was absolutly "in love" with Placebo. I hope I could see them live once!
I might go to the WGT this year - I'm very excited!

to all Visual Kei Fans: Is Visual Kei Prostitution?
This is an interview from an ex visual kei record executive
http://www.hellodamage.com/top/2010/03/01/interview-with-an-ex-visual-kei-record-executive/
Very shocking yet important article for all that are so much into that indie bands.
Please read.

Men fail.

Somehow I get the feeling men are a waste of space. Or at least most of them.
They're called the "stronger gender" here in Germany and I honestly doubt that.
Men are so weak ...
I recently watched the movie "Control", it's about the vocal of Joy Devision.
A short summary:
The singer marries very early, the girl is young and innocent and loves him deeply, though he treats her bad. Even though he doesn't love her anymore, he wants a baby with her. She gets the baby.
Then while a tour he starts an affair with a woman. When his wife finds out he denies it and confirms he would love only her. She belives him and asks him to end the affair. He says yes, but (ofcos) does not. When his wife wants the divorce he begs her to stay.
He makes two women despair and yet drowns in self-pitty.
He sees himself as the victim.

Isn't that absolutly hubristic? I was so angry while I watched the movie.
I watched it with a (male) friend and he said I should try and feel with the protagonist, but I was like "FUCK the protagonist, if he had made things clear all would have been fine! But no, he drowns in his so-great pain and makes two women who loved him despair."
And it seems this happens quite often in life. I myself expirienced something kinda that.
Ofcos I don't wanna say this is a men-only attitude, but it is quite common. Maybe it's simply because of their biology, who knows? But I don't count that as an excuse. It's none.
They are conscious and they've gotta choose as women have to choose.
They might have strength, but they've got great weaknesses, too. Thus we have to be strong. We, the "weaker gender".

The end

It's the end of sacrifice for it was needed.
I feel quite well right now, still swallowing it all, but I recognized a few important things.
All in all, I will stay strong as it is needed and someone needs to be strong.
I'd simply say, fuck you, bastard to anything.
I'm gonna get it right, yeah!

Nothing will break me.
Never.
Noone is worth despairing for.
Never.

I will expirience freedom again - after, how long? Longer than 2 years I think I had been in a relation (even if half a year "only" emotionally). Thus I could somehow even rejoice ...

I could walk and dance alone in the ruins of a dead world and I can be happy all on my own.
Indeed, a treasure I happily sacrificed - but not any longer.

I have changed - I will not look back, I'll move onward.

Control

I need to control myself.
I've been definetly too sad the last weeks.
The time has come to rejoice!
Spring is near and so shall my happiness grow.
"You're like an atom bomb", that might be right. I will try to control myself better, again.

All I have to think is, it is all about me.
I decide how far I want to go, what I want to sacrifice and if it is worth to do it.
Quite simple, isn't it?
And, what ever happens:
Life will continue and somehow I'm gonna get it right.
That's what I feel deep inside.
I shall always remember this.

Right now I feel good, I feel warmed by love.
No matter what will happen, how it will change, I won't despair. And if I do I shall try to create art out of it. This way no feeling would be wasted, everything will be productive and good.

Life is great! I'm so glad I am alive! <333

Music Project

I started a music project. Right now it's in its beginning, but I'm learning.

Check it out!

Since there is only 1 vocal track there will be more, soon!

Opera Deflower

Return of Happiness

A lot of things give me happiness again since I've been quite sad the last weeks.
Life is a continous struggle and up and down - and that's not bad.
This way I know both sides, happiness and pain and honestly I wouldn't want to change it.
I will go on and work on myself. Trying to control myself through art and understand what and why I fear.

Communication is great!! I love to learn through communication!~ <3

One of the things that give me happiness is that N. and me talk normal again.
That's very nice and I missed to talk to her!

Something important is that someone important came back. <3
I really enjoy chatting. It's always a pleasure and fills my heart with happiness and love.
I'm a very lucky person. I'm lucky that I am able to live on this world, because it is a great world.
Never forget that.

I shall go and look for something to eat now, I'm hungry.

Byebye~

No Poetry for thee

Dear Reder,

I'm sorry to tell you, that I decided to delete all poetry I posted here for several reasons. One might be that everyone could just read and steal my work or use it without any permission.
Therefore all you might receive here are fragments.
I would send my poetry to friends, so all will be okay.

Greetings,
Vivian

26th October, 2009

Now I know what he meant by telling me this ...
But it's all we have. All I have. And all that will remain.
It was hard for thee wasn't it? It was for me, too.
I wish it could have been different, trust me.
Now I've got to let it go ...

Good bye. Subarashii.

Feather's wish

I wish I could make thee cry ...

... and touch thy heart.

~Seeking for ever and ever~

“Thou art falling.”

I wish I could cover your pale body with roses and kiss your soul.


The answer is art.

Moaning soul

I think today is the day.
I will finish reading the last book of the Vampire Chronicles.
I don't want to finish it ... Oh, it's a terrible thought to read never again sth. from dear Lestat!
I will surly cry at the last page.

Drew a new picture yesterday, while listening to HIM a lot.
"I'd kill to share your pain, and sell my soul for you just to say I dream what you're dreaming and feel what you're feeling."
Can't tell how deep that touched.

Honestly, I should be happy for such a life I live, but ...
Well. I AM happy. But there's a longing in my heart - and writing that down feels so good - it's like there's an ideal and I want that to become real.

I wish I could touch.

I wish I could do it as Lestat does.

See you soon,
Karura

Beautiful Chaos

Well, somew things happened in my private live, that made me very happy. A new friendship and new ideas.
I want to know this person better and hope I will do so.
"We're all connected.", I belive in that, too. Indeed we're. Isn't that something beautiful? It's like a big, big carpet.

My internet is dying, haha, don't know how long I can stay online. Who cares.
Though I'm waiting, I'm happy. I'm tired so the world looks darker than it does usually but not that dark, today.
But I've got a sorrow, my darling. Hope I can blow her doubts away. Tomorror I'll be by her side. Let's see if it works out allright.

Does ANYONE read this blog? Haha, I don't think so xD But again: Who cares? I do not. It's a nice thing to poste and I'll continue doing that.

Sometimes I wish space would not exist. I could touch to comfort. But space is there so I've to do it another way. I'll do. I'll be there for those I love.

My story for the Ovag competition is finished. I'm not sure the jury will like it. It's - who expacted it to be - very dark. I like it and I got an inspiration from a dear person. (Thank you~ <3)>
Well. I will win, or I will not. I did my best. If I don't I will try again and again untill I will win. Ha!

Should better tidy up my room. Going to do that now.
Maybe time will go by not that slowly than.

Lamenti

I really do love Lamenti. They're so very beautyful. Expecially I love L'Eracrlito Amoroso from Barbara Strozzi and Lamento della Ninfa!
~Selia~ sung both of them, but L'Eracrlito Amoroso I like more with Philippe Jaroussky's voice.
He sings like an angel. Hearing this song with his voice nearly made me cry.
I can't describe the feeling of sadness that bloomed in my heart while hearing and reading the lyrics.

***
I want to see GPK! He comes to Germany, but it is at a Friday and his show starts at 3p.m. ... I really hope my father will allow me to go.

***

The Picture of Dorian Gray

~The Picture of Dorian Gray~

Amazing book!
I really love it - and Oscar Wilde of course. He's one of my favourite writers. <3

Opening

How you can see, I created my own Blog.
I'll write here like in a diary, my diary or I'll poste some poems or things like that.

I will lead you through my own world of beauty.

Welcome to Opera Deflower!