Auf dem See

Aug’, mein Aug’, was sinkst du nieder?
Goldne Träume kommt ihr wieder?
Weg, du Traum! so Gold du bist;
Hier auch Lieb’ und Leben ist.
- Goethe

Again, it's been a while.
Spring has come and carried some memories along.
There is an esurience that still eats my heart and I don't know whether I want it to stop.
In April it'll be 1 year that has gone by ... It's a strange feeling to know that. 1 year.
I always knew my life was different to others and usually I appreciate it, but right now I don't know. 1 year and still there is this little malicious feeling inside me. I thought I had successfully killed it. Well. Some things shall never die.
But it is not the same, somehow it has lost it's purity. That's good.
As long as it is hurting I can use it. That's why I don't know whether I want it to stop.
On the one hand I do want it, because as every human being I want to be happy, on the other hand I want it to continue, because it seems somehow precious to me.
"And will we ever, end up together? No, I think not. It's never to become, 'cause I am not the one" As Sean sings in Sally's Song.
I know we will not and I know I do not even want it. So, why ...?
Maybe it is just the ideal picture I created myself, the wish for something ... and this ideal I have given this special face. I think that's the point.
When I see others and what they do, what they give themselves to I think: I won't do that.
Why should I be content with that if there might be something better? And then my ideal comes to my mind and I know I won't be happy if I give myself to anything lesser.
Not the perfect recipe to become happy I think, hahaha!
So humility is again the word, huh?
We'll see what time's got for me. But until that I rather stay as I am.

The sun makes me happy. Let me forget everything and become one with this world - even if it is just for a moment. <3